To Paraphrase: Sometimes It’s Not Just About You

Dr. Phil

The beginning of Parashat Ki Tetze gives instructions for when an Israelite soldier finds a woman attractive among the captives of the conquest and wishes to take her as a wife.
The man is to bring her to his home, trim her nails and cut her hair.  She also removes her captive’s garb.  These seem to be signs of mourning.  The text continues by telling us that she is to mourn her parents for thirty days–presumably because she will never see them again.
At first read, this text might appear to be sensitive.  The man’s emotions are clear:  he is in love and has desire.  The verses tell us that he must first take into her feelings; her mourning for what her life was and might have been is real and must be recognized.  This seems unusual since the Torah does not often deal with feelings.
While we may take some comfort in knowing that the Torah has sensitivity toward the woman’s feelings, we must not forget that it does not change her fate.  Her life was not in her control; she became an object rather than a subject in her destiny.
Even so, it is instructive that the Torah mentions that when it comes to emotions, we must look beyond what we are feeling alone.  There is always another side to the story that deserves validation and respect.
Shabbat Shalom!

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